cheap oakley 8 Things You Must Know if You

8 Things You Must Know if You Don’t Want to Die at the Beach

The beach is a simple place where people go to relax, escape their obligations and have painful, gritty sex under the boardwalk. But bathers are often unprepared for how crowded the beach can be.

Consider the typical beachgoer, whom we’ll call “Bill” because his real name is too ethnic. Bill packs his automobile full of supplies and drives to the shore, where he discovers that the lines are too long! In sight of his goal, Bill watches as government officials begin rationing off the sea. Sadly, there is not enough ocean left for him, and a chance for a wonderful memory instead becomes:

Our friend Bill went home unbeachified because he hadn’t planned accordingly. Don’t let this happen to you. Use the easy guide below to get the most out of your trip to the shore. Whether you’re a veteran beach dude or a lousy tourist, you will learn how to maximize third quarter fun revenues and reallocate blue chip pleasures to key happiness areas. Nice try, geographers . or should I call you science warlocks? Your hocus pocus can never pin down the true spirit of the beach. It belongs to a class of undefinable mysteries like true love, the Holy Spirit and where Missouri is.

Wikipedia wants to go to there

The beach is like . inside all of us, man

The term “beach” comes from the Swedish word “boorkeldumpf,” which means “A place where fish pee and it is very cold.” If you ever meet a Swedish model, you can use this trivia to impress her with your knowledge of her people, but you will probably never meet a Swedess, unless you go to the really good parties. The sea rebelled, but was quickly put down by the Roman Aqua Legion, who stabbed it with sword and spear until ocean yielded to man’s will. Hundreds of beaches were created by this brutal method of conquest. Ironically, Ita cheap oakley lians are no longer allowed at many of the beaches their ancestors forged because Italy’s coastline is overrun with private resorts owned by Visigoths.

7. What Kind of Beach Am I On?

There are seven kinds of beach. (One contains buried treasure! Can you guess which?)

Public beach: This is where you go to step in goose poop and see fat people wearing gold. Expect at least one sleazy teenager taking pictures of girls barely into high school. The great thing about public beaches is that every few seconds you can buy a cold drink to relax and take your mind off of the endless parade of vendors bellowing in your ear about cold drinks.

Private beach: Old people go here to enjoy the view without ever taking a swim.

Yacht club: If your beach gear includes full length trousers, you are doing it wrong, and no advice can save you, people I grew up with in Connecticut.

But Wikipedia knows that’s really New Jersey

Wheee. Look at how much fun we’re having?

Yacht clubs are mostly excuses for upper middle class types to swig H cheap oakley eineken together in the evening. By day, they stay inside and chart courses or repair the boat. If you do the math, most people’s yearly maintenance and storage on a boat costs them about $550 for every time they actually take it out for a sail. That said, you can have the beach to yourself here, since everyone’s busy trying to figure out how a tiller works.

Wikipedia keeps changing its mind

For the complete experience, imagine one speaker wearing a Mount Gay cap and the other in a Black Dog T shirt

Crappy beach: Instead of sand, it has stones. The w cheap oakley ater’s always cold, and the glory hole in the bathroom is almost never manned.

Paradise: A tropical beach where you can drink without leaving your seat, because if you did, the equatorial sun would explode you.

The good beach: This is usually a public beach so remote that the crowds and vendors don’t bother with it. The snobs don’t like it because anyone can go there. So it’s pretty aces.

Symbolic beach: Poets tell us the beach is a metaphor for the unremembered depths of the human journey. But have you considered that it’s also a metaphor for sex? Most things are, you know. Especially if your sex life is cold and gray and contains crabs.

Mostly the sea represents the thrilling unpredictability of life itself: the limitless horizon! The chance to make your own path in any direction and die there! To seek your fortune, and watch it be swept away by an unfeeling tide! These are the thrilling dooms promised us by the bounding main! Join us, won’t you?No? Quite sensible of you, that.

An cheap oakley swer to Puzzler: Every beach has treasure! It was in your heart all along for you see, you learned that happy memories are the true wealth.

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